Tales of the Unbound Episode 3: We go HAM
Tale of the Unbound: Episode 3 - “We Go HAM” follows Josh’s spiritual journey of claiming Jewish identity, finding healing through reconciliation, and what it means to lead from a place of faith. His joy in the face of adversity is captivating as he carries his own stories and the stories of others as part of his personal evolution. This episode will reach you in the kishkas* carrying the listener as we move from tears to laughter, embracing the raw humanity of becoming yourself. *Kishkas = Literally: intestines; Colloquially: In the guts/ where you deeply feel emotion
Tale of the Unbound: Episode 3- “We Go HAM” follows Josh’s spiritual journey of claiming Jewish identity, finding healing through reconciliation, and what it means to lead from a place of faith. His joy in the face of adversity is captivating as he carries his own stories and the stories of others as part of his personal evolution. This episode will reach you in the kishkas* carrying the listener as we move from tears to laughter, embracing the raw humanity of becoming yourself.
*Kishkas = Literally: intestines; Colloquially: In the guts/ where you deeply feel emotion
[1] When Josh says, “We go H-A-M,” there are so many ways that it lands. “H-A-M” is a song by Jay Z and Kanye West. You can listen to it here, with the caveat that it’s VERY explicit and has all kinds of language and a subject matter that folks find offensive. So, just a flag for folks before clicking on that link! The H-A-M stands for “hard as a mother$*!” It’s a term used in pop culture as slang for extreme effort and enthusiasm. HAM, of course, has another meaning, of a pork product, which is also something you wouldn’t exactly jump to associate with being Jewish.
[2] We discuss the Three Strikes Law, or its formal name, the “Persistant Offender Accountability Act,” in the show notes of episode 2. Here’s a link for more information. It is widely understood as Washington State’s toughest sentencing policy.
[3] Joy in Judaism – it’s totally a thing. Here’s a great article by Chaviva Gordon-Bennett on ways that Judaism sparks joy and another one HERE by Rabbi Yitz Greenberg on Joy as a religious obligation. Also, check out THIS podcast with Eric Moffic on “The Happiness Prayer.”
[4] Josh has tried hard to advocate for prisoner rights, to speak publicly about restorative justice (see page 19), and co-authored a book about individuals who seek to rehabilitate while incarcerated.
[5] This is an article about Josh’s involvement in restorative justice with a picture from the ball of string and postcard activity that Amy talked about.
[6] Curious about restorative justice? Check out this resource to learn more. How about the Jewish pieces of Restorative Justice? We’ve got that too! Here’s a powerful dvar Torah by Rabbi Stacy Rigler and an awesome study sheet created by Rabbi Jericho Vincent.
[7] Josh mentions this book a few times: “Little Book of Restorative Justice For People in Prison” by Barb Toews.
[8] Many people find their Jewish path through DNA tests. Jewish ancestry, 23 and Me, and ancestry.com have led so many people to trace roots back to Jewish ancestors. For some, who connect to the Jewish biological lineage as something meaningful, find this DNA discovery transformative. This is less meaningful for others who don’t think of Judaism as a racial or genetic line. Clearly for Josh, it was a door that opened a pathway to connecting to a line of his family that he might never have discovered otherwise.
[9] Josh uses a few Hebrew words in this episode, so – here are a few quick definitions: Chumash is a printed/bound book version of the Torah.
Siddur is a Jewish prayerbook.
HaShem, literally means: The Name, referring to one of the names for God.
[10] I sent Josh and Ari a few books early on. They included, “Judaism’s 10 best ideas” by Rabbi Art Green, “Here All Along” by Sarah Hurwitz, “Judaism for Dummies” by Rabbi Ted Falcon and “My Jewish Year: 18 Holidays, One Wondering Jew” by Abigail Pogrebin.
[11] Josh refers to the biblical dreamer … that gets us singing, “Go Go Jo!…”
[12] Josh refers to Pirkei Avot 2:16 several times it reads: Rabbi Tarfon said: The day is short and the work is much, and the workers are lazy and the reward is great, and the Master of the house is pressing. He used to say: It is not your responsibility to finish the work, but neither are you free to desist from it.
[13] Miriam talks about the role of chevrutah in Talmud, Taanit 7a:8-12.
אָמַר רַבִּי חָמָא בְּרַבִּי חֲנִינָא, מַאי דִּכְתִיב: ״בַּרְזֶל בְּבַרְזֶל יָחַד״, לוֹמַר לָךְ: מָה בַּרְזֶל זֶה — אֶחָד מְחַדֵּד אֶת חֲבֵירוֹ, אַף שְׁנֵי תַּלְמִידֵי חֲכָמִים — מְחַדְּדִין זֶה אֶת זֶה בַּהֲלָכָה.
The Gemara cites other expositions that deal with Torah study. Rabbi Ḥama, son of Rabbi Ḥanina, said: What is the meaning of that which is written: “Iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend” (Proverbs 27:17)? This verse comes to tell you that just as with these iron implements, one sharpens the other when they are rubbed against each other, so too, when Torah scholars study together, they sharpen one another in halakha.
Also – if you are into the idea of chevrutah learning, check out our friends at the Torah Studio who have an awesome chevrutah style model for deep and super accessible Torah learning.
[14] Here’s a helpful way of thinking and defining Halacha, the Jewish way (and also, Jewish law)
[15] So Miriam mentions that she tries to talk Josh out of conversion. This is mostly because she wants him to believe that the way he names himself, defines his Judaism and lives it out is enough. He is Jewish. But for Josh, being recognized by others, particularly through the conventional mainstream understanding of Jewish identity, lineage and conversion, is critical in allowing him to feel safe and secure in his Jewish identity.
[16] Ok… so the whole matrilineal piece of Judaism also depends on where you are coming from the conversation. Classically, Judaism is understood to be passed through the maternal line. Where a Jewish mother has irrevocable Jewish status- even if she converts to another religion, she’s still Jewish according to the Jews! In Reform Judaism, patrilineal descent is also accepted as equally valid. There is a ton of literature on why matrilineal, why it’s good, why it’s bad… all the things. For Josh, and his relationship with parental figures, with his chaplain and his rabbi both identifying as women, there is an added layer to his Judaism connecting to women in his life.
[17] Miriam riffs on a Midrash about God offering the covenant to other nations before offering it to the Israelites. It’s based on Midrash Sifrei Deuteronomy 343 , she takes a few liberties with it (umm, hello, she’s a storyteller). If you’re into this – dive deeply into this book,” which has a compilation of all kinds of amazing midrashim (sacred stories) like that one. The index alone will make you so happy!
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MIRIAM: Welcome to Tales of the Unbound. I am Miriam Terlinchamp, and this is a seven-episode series about a journey of Jewish conversion within a prison. This week’s episode focuses on Josh’s story of trauma, restorative justice and the discovery of joy as a spiritual mindset. For those with sensitivities or with young people listening along with you; a word of caution: this episode contains depictions of extreme violence. If this is the first time you’re listening - welcome and thanks for subscribing! If you haven’t heard episode one or two yet, it's best to push pause now and go back and listen to the first episode to best engage with the story. Also, our show notes include all kinds of ways to volunteer, donate and get involved, so please check them out at the conclusion of this episode.
[MUSIC]
MIRIAM: It is not unique to find religion in prison. What’s unique is to find a religion like Judaism that is largely uninterested in your eternal salvation and much more concerned about the present moment and offering the tools and praxis for being a better human being in the here and now. Add in the complicated layers of just how difficult it is to keep and follow a Jewish life behind bars, what it means for one’s safety to join a persecuted minority, and the requirement to rely on and be obligated towards a community where you trust and are trusted, and it begins to become clear just why this story is so exceptional.
What Amy does, as the chaplain for her Jewish group of incarcerated folks, is provide a context for trust; she models the how and what of Judaism and fosters a safe space where people learn that the safety of one is dependent on the safety of all. Ari, as one of the longest-term members of this Jewish group, is exactly what we imagine a Jew to be like. He’s thirsty for knowledge, he taught himself Hebrew, and he believes that the central tenet of Jewish personhood involves being a lifelong learner for the purpose of bettering the world. Most of us would agree with that depiction of a Jewish person.
Josh’s Jewish life is not the same as Ari and Amy’s. Josh’s Judaism is best described as the belief that a different life is possible. You can call that hope or faith. But Jewish works perfectly, too. I like to think of him as our Joyful Josh.
JOSH: Joyful Josh... That's actually pretty catchy. I like that. I would say that's incredibly accurate. If that's how I'm known for the rest of my days, then I'll take it. Joyful Josh.
MIRIAM: Joyful, present to possibility, faith-driven in the face of adversity…for any of us, those qualities are difficult. But in Josh’s case, this approach to life is truly a miracle.
JOSH: I was one of the people that came into prison at a very young age. I was 17 years old. The first time that I touched down in the adult system. And I adopted every negative thing that you can imagine as part of my identity as a means of survival.
MIRIAM: Josh is what we call a “lifer” in that he was sentenced to life in prison without parole. The life that led to his crimes included abuse, denial of autonomy, and a view of life that taught him that he was beyond any form of redemption. And then, when faced with the reality that he has a lifetime behind bars in front of him, Josh had to decide how he was going to survive it.
JOSH: I was broken, I was in need, and I was in a place where I had very limited contact with anybody. My family were the ones who were there, my mom's family, and I was feeding off of the love that they gave me. And so, I learned. I learned how to love. I learned how to have joy in the little things. I learned how to create a joyful countenance about myself based off of, I'm going to use who I am today to impact people in a positive way so that I can say, You know what? This is a testament that just because you start out a certain way doesn't mean you have to end that way. My ending doesn't have to become my future, or my ending doesn't have to be like my beginning was, rather.
MIRIAM: It takes an extraordinary amount of perseverance to engage with the world with an attitude of joy and hope. Josh’s resoluteness about the belief in possibility is as sacred as any other Jewish characteristic. The wisdom that is inherent in religion is not the result of pure study, it is the application of core values on a day-to-day basis - manifesting in radical change that benefits both the individual and the community they are part of. It is Josh’s perseverance that shifts the Jewish community in Monroe Correctional, and it’s what awakens me.
JOSH: A lot of us converts, or, you know, Jews of choice, we go hard. We go harder than the paint. We go ham. We are ready to get in there, and we want to show that, What we have to offer is important to the community as a whole
[MUSIC FADES]
MIRIAM: Yeah, you heard that right, [fade in instrumental] converts to Judaism go HAM” laugh. We love that spin. This is Tales of the Unbound, Episode 3, “We Go Ham”
[MUSIC FADES OUT - instrumental, “H-A-M”]
AUDIO: A call from, an incarcerated individual at Monroe Corrections Joshua Phillips
MIRIAM: Josh is incarcerated under the Washington State “Three strikes you’re out law”. When a person is convicted of a serious felony at three separate times, on the third conviction, the consequence is life in prison. There’s plenty of public record on Josh’s crimes, he doesn’t hide it. Or even try to wrap it in the accurate context of a father who used him to commit crimes at his behest because Josh was a minor. In fact, Josh writes about his story in books and in articles, publicly. Believing that accountability requires constant and unmitigated apology.
JOSH: there was a void within me that needed to be filled that I had been seeking for so very long. And I had been trying to fill it with. Things that were not good for me and not edifying to me and that didn't connect like a puzzle piece into my life. I would try substances. I would try people. I would try relationships. I would try other people's ways of looking at the world and, you know, operating under this guise of, if you're this in prison, then you're a good person. So all these things that I had tried to fill myself with in order to gain happiness and joy were not working for me. And then there was something that was missing that I couldn't put my finger on.
AMY: He is figuring out how he wants to make a difference in the lives of others. He gets really excited about it when he gets to share those pieces, I will say is upbeat most of the time. It's not too much that seems to get him down. And I don't know if it's always been that way, but since I've known him, he always comes in with a smile on his face. He is always happy to be there, happy to share, happy to engage in conversation and to ask the tough questions and to be asked the tough questions.
MIRIAM: For the first several years in prison, Josh only knew his story through his father’s family. And then, one day, he learned new information about his mother’s death…
JOSH: I didn't know what had transpired for many years until a woman provided me with the police reports and I was able to read through them and to digest and try and understand answers to what happened because my dad had never given me those answers. He never apologized for what he did. In doing so, I found that the police reports reflect that my little brother, Daniel and I were both in the apartment watching this take place. And that was probably something that was blocked out of my brain, but my little brother remembers it, and he was only three. And so, for me, I obviously saw something that took place on the day that my dad stabbed her multiple times on St. Patrick's Day. And I remember being taken to her funeral, and it was open casket, and seeing her, and I thought that she was going to come home with us. And so, those were two big moments for me as a small 5-year-old. And then later on in life, to just not have my mother there when everybody else's mom was coming to school, that I wasn't able to have that.
MIRIAM: Let’s breathe a minute. Holding that little five-year-old Josh and three-year-old Daniel in our hearts.
JOSH: I was stuck inside this insane cycle of abuse. And it started from before my time and it was passed on to me, my siblings as well. And so then I found myself incarcerated in this environment that was nothing that should have been unknown to anybody. And when we talk about children and we talk about the need to instruct the children and teach the children in the way that they should go and that they'll hold close to those parallels of what we teach them, it's a very true learned behavior, something that is increasingly important up to the age of five, they say. And up until the age of five, I had been experiencing firsthand domestic violence, violence against myself, against my mother. mental and emotional violence and all signs were leading to that. At one point, my father had even taught me that I did not have to listen to a woman no matter who it was, especially if it was my mother, that I only had to listen to men. And so obviously, being young and a child and experiencing the loss of my mother at my dad's hand is no excuse for me to then go on later in life and make choices that can harm other people. But, there was a time in between my dad going to prison and me coming to prison that it would have been extremely helpful to get some of the help that I needed to be able to move through some of those issues that were created at a very young age. And so, from the beginning, I was confined in this oppressive environment, very similar to what we were talking about. In the Exodus, in the story of Egypt, Mitzrayim and Pharaoh and what he was doing, it's all so interwoven and interrelated in the threads of my life that the only thing that I can really say with certainty is that I do feel that the soul within me has seen these type of oppressions before. And so, as I'm working through these issues, I'm starting to find new ways to work into the person that I'm supposed to become.
AMY: He's really big in restorative justice, he's written some books on restorative justice, uh, and it's really a piece of his story -
MIRIAM: Restorative justice is the voluntary practice of rehabilitation of an offender that includes reconciliation with victims.
JOSH: It's rooted in the principles of justice and fairness. It's fundamental to repair harm for wrongdoing and also holds people who harm someone accountable. And that accountability is very freeing.
MIRIAM: Here’s Marvin, Amy’s husband, and the group’s Wednesday afternoon Torah teacher.
MARVIN: One of the things that I, I learned and pointed out, especially to Josh, because it's something that he's really knowledgeable about is how Jewish restorative justice really is. And I mean, some of the text. It's directly from Jewish sources, even though they're not acknowledged or recognized that way; like Maimonides, there's stuff there that is definitely Jewish.
JOSH: Judaism values the idea of Tikkun Olam. And it literally means repairing the world, which can also be referenced in Restorative Justice. There's that emphasis on repairing a relationship. There's an emphasis on repairing the community, and this idea is not something that is new. It's not something that I thought of it was something that I was exposed to through the little book of restorative justice for people in prison by Barb Coase, which, during a fundamental time in my life, whenever I was choosing to make choices to grow, and I was in a very Oppressed place. I was locked away. I had made a choice that I wanted to change. It had to do with love. Simply put, I was faced with an opportunity to have my mom's family in my life and continue to have them in my life or to make a bad choice, which would lead me in a different direction, but would get me the opportunity to be known in the prison system and would place great emphasis on this negative prison culture that we hold so dear. The problem is, is that I would have literally lost any thread and any hope of ever becoming the person that I was today. And I believe that restorative justice for people in prison was placed in my pathway because at this perfect time when I was learning about restorative justice, I was also learning about the harm that was done by my dad to my mom. And to us, as a family, and then the community, and so, in focusing intently on how these things that have been done wrong to us, it allowed me an opportunity to understand that, oh my goodness, this is probably how some, if not all of my victims felt towards what I did to them.
AMY: Josh, his story of what I'm going to call personal redemption, right? he was traumatized at a very early age by what took place and what he witnessed. And It created a life of trauma that he still lives with. And I think that this journey of Judaism has helped him to, in some ways, figure out his own place in the world.
JOSH: I was going through this journey of restorative justice and I learned about Judaism about 2021 while Covid was in our midst, and we were again, locked down in this prison that I'm at now, and there was nowhere to go. My aunt, my mom's sister was doing some research on 23 and me and another platform site about genealogy and I was asking a lot of questions and she had told me that There's this interesting fact that they say that there was Judaism being practiced somewhere in our family tree. Well, that intrigued me, because I didn't know this, I've never heard it, and so I went to a friend of mine that is part of the Jewish community here. And I told him, I said, yeah, man, it's kind of crazy, I guess my mom is Jewish or at least somebody in her family was. And so he was like, well, here you go and handed me a chumash and it's like, okay, cool. Just read it. I was like, well, what do I need to do? He's just like, don't be a dirtbag and you'll be just fine. And he was like, if you just focus on just that, you'll be just fine. You'll be practicing Judaism.
MIRIAM: Don’t be a dirtbag. That sounds like a pretty great place to start. But of course, that’s not where the story ends. The critical elements of Josh’s Judaism are possibility and hope. Often hope hangs on a future promise of “someday” as in … someday I will have time for my hobby. Or someday I will move out of this town. Obviously, when you’re incarcerated, someday holds most of the cards when it comes to hope. Someday I will get out. Someday I will be able to hug my family. Someday I will get to convert. But for Josh, someday cannot be the source of his hope.
JOSH: Someday is something that a lot of people on the inside really lean on and lean into someday. And there's a hope somewhere far out there that little beacon of light that we look for and that's what gets us through this moment, this hour, this day. This month, this year, and we keep on focusing on that little light, that little beacon of hope that's way out there. For me, personally, being the person that has a life without parole sentence, and I don't anticipate getting out. And so as I leaned into seeking for myself to try and search for what my purpose is, I found that I was lonely, I was longing, I was walking in a desolate place. Prison is very just bland and full of a lot of things that can really bring you down. For me, I didn't feel like anything that I would feel emotion wise from anybody being supportive was really being helpful to me, to be able to help lift me up. So, I leaned into my mom. And apparently, whenever I came to Shabbat minyan, that was what had been missing all along, and I had no idea that this is what it was. So, although it was foreign, in going through the Siddur, and having to have Ari and other people kind of help me along, stumbling through where I'm supposed to be at and what I'm supposed to be reading, And there was something that was very familiar that was touching to the depths. And what that was, I believe, was if there was a connection there, there was a soul connection and Hashem met me exactly where I'd come to do my part, which is something that I had no concept of before is that this is an obligation of us as a people that Hashem gave us Torah, we have to mold it and work with it and speak about it and figure out how it applies to us. And this is exactly what I was doing when I came there that night is I was taking that first step and Hashem was there to meet me. And so, as we ushered in the Sabbath, I was at home, and it was right.
AMY: We did this thing where he wrote different aspects of his story on postcards. He handed them out to everybody. And had them read and put them in chronological order. And we had the ball of string that we were throwing across the room and everyone was in the order of the cards and throw the ball across the room. I think that it's very much who he is. He wants to bring the community together. Community is really important to him. I don't think he had community before. I think he was searching for community for a really long time. I think he's found community and I think he holds on to it really tightly.
JOSH: I did go to church in the Christian church. My sister used to drag me there and it was either do yard work or go to church with your sister and so I did. I didn't feel that I belonged there at all, something that was missing was the joy and that happiness.
MIRIAM: The chasidic masters talk about the need for joy as a compendium to study and worship. And yet, many Jews, by birth and by choice, struggle with the fervor that comes with a proclivity towards joy. But… we’re all chasing that feeling, aren’t we? A joyful countenance and daily gratitude for the gift of life.
JOSH: So this is directly related to some of the studies that we did through one of the books that you, Miriam, had given to me and sent to us for us to read. And there was a chapter on Simcha, which is joy. And this was a big aha moment for me, because I had found a joy, since I had started to come to the Jewish community, the Jewish group Shabbat, and I was finding my place there, and I was finding people around me that were genuine, that I felt like cared about me...And so, there's joy in is happiness, and it's a religious precept in Judaism, and it's an attitude toward life. According to the material that you gave me, it's an attitude toward life that Judaism seeks to instill. That's what happiness is for me. And, so, as I entered into the community and beginning to attend Shabbat services, I found a joy.MIRIAM: Joy as part of Jewish life is a discovery, not a mandate.
JOSH: If the happiness was something that was a mandatory precept, then maybe it would have been different for me because it's like the Talmud teacher said, the world is like a wedding feast. What does that mean? That means that we got to be good guests at the wedding and we're there for rejoicing and partying and just joy and making sure that everybody's happy and I want you to have the best wedding possible because you know what, this is your day. And it's my chance to be happy with you for this great thing that you're embarking on. And that's what the world is. That's what life is. And life is something so sacred to us that every day when we wake up and we we're thankful for our soul being returned to us and that's how we begin that joy process every day.
MIRIAM: Along with his joyful countenance, and commitment to gratitude, Josh found that his piece in the process of supporting his newly discovered Jewish community required a level of tenacity that he excelled in.
JOSH: I have an obligation to create the hope for tomorrow with my actions today, but this is something that has been fundamental to my growth all along. And I don't think that I necessarily had this hope all along, but some people would say that I did because I was a dreamer, right? I would daydream about how life could be better, how it could be beautiful. Things that were unrealistic that would never come true, you know? A coat of many colors and what does this mean and, right? It takes us back to another dreamer. And I think that, that action that is sworn inside of me, I can only say that it came from HaShem. And I can only say that, I don't think that I found Judaism, I think Judaism found me. And, in the context of Pirkei Avot, You do not need to complete the work, neither are you free to desist from it. That drive and that hope, that's how I create the hope. That's how I create the momentum. Because it's very hard in this place, it's a place full of despair, and I've seen a lot of insanity, a lot of things that have triggered me, and things that I've witnessed, things that I've been a part of, things that have happened to me, and there's a lot of disparity that goes on in here, things that you would think aren't happening, happen in here, and I guess that it would be expected that Having a life sentence that you would have no hope, that you would have no reason to get involved with trying to better yourself, or to better the people around you, or to be a beacon of light. And I get that. I understand why that would be something that most people would think. That if you have a life sentence, then you're probably going to get death in prison in a very slow way. That you will probably be somebody who messes up a lot. You'll probably be somebody who encourages people to do bad things. You'll probably be a part of the problem and not a part of the answer. But for me, something changed a long time ago, in 2016, and it helped fuel me to become the person that I was whenever I reached out to you. reaching out to you, it's something that's fundamental to who I am. I am a go getter. If you tell me no. I'm I'll say why, and if you won't answer my why, I'll take that as there is no reason why, and it's really why not, and what can I do to fulfill this need so that way I can get to where I want to go and take other people with me because I don't want to be in this car alone, I want people around me to share this joy with…
MIRIAM: Josh wasn’t just shaped by his own journey or his biological connection discovered through 23&Me; he was also shaped by the process of those who were discovering and living a Jewish life inside as well. In the Talmud, Taanit 7a:8-12, there is a teaching about the power of a chevrutah, a study companion. It asks, “What is the meaning of the line in Proverbs 27:17, “iron (ay-ern) sharpens iron (ay-ern) so too does a man sharpen the countenance of his friend.” Teaching that two scholars or friends sharpen one another’s study of halacha.” And though classically, we might define halacha as Jewish law. I choose to see the word here in the more literal translation, focusing on the Halach, the way or the walking. Two people engaged in Torah encourage one another’s ability to walk that Torah out in the world.
JOSH: I didn't feel like I was as advanced as some of the guys. And there were some guys that had been there for a very long time and practicing and Ari was my celly and he was one of them that had just been practicing for years and he had this really deep longing to have his conversion take place. And so for me, I like to help people and so he was like, man, I really want to figure out who can we get a hold of. And I heard about this lady and I heard about that lady, but I don't have anybody that can figure this out. And so part of my spiritual journey was trying to just absorb these things and figure out like, okay, well, what do I need to learn along the way to get to where you're at? And so. I started to learn a little bit of the history and a little bit of how to practice and a little tiny bit of Hebrew and then there was just a point where I realized, nobody's going to do this for us. So, how can I achieve this missing element that's in my life? Because I'm stuck. I have what they say is a life sentence. And so I started exploring options asking people that I knew. And I didn't lay a whole lot on any one of my friends. I would ask this person, Hey, can you find me names of two conservative rabbis anywhere in Washington State? And they would kick me back a couple names, and then I would ask this person can you find me two names of somebody in the Orthodox community in Washington State? And they would kick me back a couple names, and then we would start writing letters. I would hand out the info to Josh, and we'd start writing letters and trying to build connections. So, a lot of my spiritual journey was actually rooted in the peer-to-peer vote that says, you don't have to complete the work. I'm paraphrasing. You don't have to complete the work, but neither can you desist from it, and so I was actually doing the work and not even realizing that this is part of what we do from the time that Torah was giving to us and those mixed multitude that Sinai, there became an obligation for us to then mold it, work with it, wrestle with it, to figure out how does this apply to us? How does this apply to me? And how can I work with you? And debate the right way to go about doing things, so that way we can both be edified by this desire to do the right things that bring meaning to us and to the world around us. And so, that's what I did. I reached out to people, and I was determined that this was going to be what I was going to do, and I just didn't know how to do it.
MIRIAM: Josh emailed and called rabbis every week for over a year, trying his best to live up to that adage he cited from Pirkei Avot that he’s “not free to desist from the work” and it was his call to bring Jewish affirmation to himself and his friend Ari.
JOSH: HaShem does have a sense of humor because as we reached out to you, you were like, immediately so receptive, and I found that it's such a beautiful, endearing moment for us, because you lifted us up. You gave us an opportunity for our voice to be heard, which is something that was very meaningful to me personally.
MIRIAM: It was meaningful to me as well. In Josh’s first email, he wrote, “Dear Rabbi Terlinchamp, I am a prisoner in Monroe Correctional Facility. I just listened to your interview on Judaism Unbound, and you said that the gates should be open for more people. I hope I am one of those people.” And then I wrote back, and he responded and within a few weeks we were talking Torah and Talmud and Philosophy on the phone. I loved when I was in a meeting or in my office, and I’d hear, “Rabbi, Josh is on the phone.” Like he was part of our congregation already, just another community member calling to check-in. And why not? Once we said yes to each other, that we believed we were being called to participate in soul work with one another, then there needed to be a sense of possibility and deep relationality. Speaking Jewish person to Jewish person and trying to find our way through our sacred story together.
JOSH: I have to say that, although there were some things that seemed like they were impossible, You know, it's similar to that exodus story where a lot of these impossibilities we looked at and were like this is impossible, how is this going to work, I don't know, but I believe that it will. I believed that you would make it here, I didn't know how, I didn't know how we would get everything together that needed to be done in order to fulfill the entire process. But I believed that you would be here and that we would have the opportunity. Now, what happened during that opportunity, I was slightly unsure of for myself, but that's okay, because it was very meaningful. However, I did come through the process and leaving this space Jewish and seeing Ari do his conversion. I was very happy and full of joy and thankful.
MIRIAM: I spent a lot of time trying to talk Josh out of conversion. That he was Jewish enough. But it wasn’t enough for him to be defined by someone else. Josh had his own needs and reasons to formally affirm his Jewish identity.
JOSH: I had a desire to convert as well, because I wanted to have a very rooted and grounded experience with Judaism as I know it. And although practicing it was very meaningful to me, I wanted to receive some of the blessings that I was praying and as we go through this doer service weekly, I was praying and saying things that I wanted to be more a part of and not just somebody who's practicing. I wanted to be Jewish. This was very important to me. And if there was a connection, I wanted to repair that connection to my mom's family. And if not, then I wanted to make this connection for myself and moving forward. However, that translates into my future.
AMY: I think he was excited beforehand, but post it and in the midst of it, I mean, just the joy that emanated from him when he felt like he had completed the conversion process, was so palpable, I think everybody was feeling it in that room because it wasn't just us in the room, most of the Jewish group was in that room as well. And I think that it was infectious. And I think that the conversion process actually was a catalyst to so much other stuff happening. I think that there are more of the guys who have immersed themselves even deeper into Jewish practice.
MIRIAM: During the moment of conversion itself, there is a kiss. A moment when the role of rabbi and chaplain or student and community member overlaps with the familial sense of mother and child.
AMY: my blessing them, my laying my hands on them and, and doing that, um, did feel really intimate in this that was very much like a mother to a child bestowing that blessing on them and knowing how meaningful it was to them to receive it…probably both of them, but especially Josh who lost his mother in such a tragic and traumatic way when he was very young. And he's never had kind of a positive female role model in his life, a motherly figure. I'm sure that I fill that gap in a lot of ways. Unintentionally and intentionally. Like I didn't set out to do that. But you know, there are things that just naturally occur when you have conversations that are more than surface conversations. and when there's a sense that someone is And I think that's, that's being vulnerable with you and wanting to share with you the intimate details of how they got to where [00:35:00] they got to be, and how much you've helped them to cross the hurdle and to, um, become somebody different. Because he's felt like a different person since the conversion took place.
JOSH: My dad had taken my mom's life and so, at a very young age, the day before I turned five, I lost my mother and so, for me, there was always seeking out that mother figure, but in this particular moment, when I rose from the mid death, and She took my head in her hand, and she said the blessing, and she kissed the top of my head, and then we progressed out of the tub, and I got hugs from you and her, Marvin, that was the first contact that I'd had with anybody that wasn't a formal handshake in a very long time, it was a piece of humanity that had been stripped from us on the inside that was necessary in that moment.
MIRIAM: As his teachers embrace Josh like their own child, it makes sense that in this moment it is his mother that comes to mind. Judaism is traditionally a matrilineal religion. This gift of a new way of seeing the world, of becoming a new person, for Josh - comes through the lineage of women. Biologically from his mother’s side and nurtured through Amy. In embracing his Jewish lineage, Josh reconnects to a piece of his origins and rejects the misogyny and abuse of his childhood.
JOSH: And as I came up for the third time, receiving blessings, and my name. Yirmiyahu was given to me. My name, God has loosened my bonds, was so meaningful to me at that point in time because that's exactly what Hashem had did. He had loosened my bonds in a place where people told me that this would never happen. You will never be Jewish and you will die in prison. This will never happen for you. Because you have no free will, but how could I not have free will? I'm the most free that I've ever been in my life. And as I went into this mikvah and came out Jewish, God had loosened my bonds. Joshua Phillips had transformed into Yirmiyahu ben Avraham v. Sarah. And I was indulged with the acceptance of my community. After performing everything that I needed to do to receive the blessings, that now when I sit down, it's Shabbat, and when I stand, it's Shabbat. When I go through my siddur, and when I say, and receive blessings, or whenever I talk about Yisrael, Yisrael, I know that this is me. This is part of who I am. I'm a member of the tribe, too. And now I have responsibilities that I didn't have. It was so beautiful. Like, birth, creating life, I rose from the mikvah. And God has loosened my bonds, and so I have so much gratitude for you and for that opportunity because sometimes all it takes is answering someone's call, answering your call, because you don't know what Hashem is going to do unless you do what He says. Hashem says, Jonah, go. I don't want to go. You wind up in the belly of the whale. But Hashem is going to take you where He wants you to go. And you will do what Hashem wants you to do. And there will be immense blessings, full of joy.
MIRIAM: When listening to Josh’s passion around his transformation, he clearly leans into this concept of being born again. For a Jewish listener, this can feel tricky. Isn’t being born again a practice that belongs to other religions? And it does, but it also belongs in the Jewish world. It underlies the whole process of conversion, where we leave a piece of us to become our next chapter. What’s specifically Jewish about Josh’s understanding about being reborn, is that it isn’t a new life, his renewal is about return. Over and over again he shares that he’s following a thread that started several generations ago that called him home.
This is theologically grounded in our concept that all Jewish souls stood at Sinai.
But what about the convert?
There is a midrash, a sacred story about Sinai.
At Sinai, God shopped the commandments to all the people in the world. Giving each people a chance to enjoin themselves to the covenant. Each group asked questions of God and ultimately rejected the gift of Torah, until God reached the Jewish people, who without question, said yes! To the covenant and to Torah.
But the story says that in each of those communities that rejected the Torah, there were individuals crying out, “Yes!” Those people are the Jewish souls who stood at Sinai but had a longer path to finding the Jewish community.
For every convert, whether they discover Judaism or were called to it all along, once they affirm their Jewishness, their souls, in a sense, are called home.
It is the gift of the convert to bring the learnings from their journey, the positive elements from all their searching, into the Jewish space. It is a mistake to allow ourselves to believe that joy, love, hope, faith, and grace are all words that belong to other religions. The convert reminds us that these are elements within Judaism, too.
JOSH: Every day, there's not a second that goes by during my day that I am not actively practicing Judaism. I'm Jewish. Everything that I do is Jewish. There's always a concept about me that I have a responsibility to this person beside me that I don't know. I have a responsibility to this community. I have a responsibility to every Jew in the world. I have prayers that are heard by Hashem, and they have meaningful, you know, they have a meaningful way of just touching the souls of the people that are everywhere. And it is uplifting. I know that these prayers are heard, and this joy is not just for me, it's for us as a people, and it's for everyone.
MIRIAM: When I talked to Josh about sharing his story, he asked for one favor. He asked if we could use this platform, with this audience, to share out a public apology. Believing that his Judaism and his efforts to work on himself, must always include accountability and forgiveness. Not for absolution. Or even for reprieve. But rather, as a testament to who Josh is right now, a person for whom accountability and spirituality are interwoven.
JOSH: So for many years from the way that I was raised, I took on a lot of things that weren't my own to take on, and in doing so, I hurt a lot of people. I've made a lot of negative choices in my life, and I have to own these things, and I do own these things. I've stolen vehicles, I've broken into houses, harmed people in vehicular assault, I've put firearms on police officers, I've been shot at by the police. These were all due to my actions. I've robbed a lady of her purse. I've tried to have a man killed because he did the right thing and went to the police and told him that he was in fear of his life and these are the things that I did and these things that I did were very wrong and I'm very sorry for these things and I always find it very egregious that I'm not able to just apologize to you. These people by name because of these lifetime no contact orders and just in totality, I feel that it's very meaningful for me to be able to say I am sorry for all the choices that I have made that with a crime that hurt people, but not only for the crimes that I've committed, but the other harms that I've done to people and that the person that I am today is seeking that restitution And I don't find that the restitution that I paid off or anything else that I've done up to this point to apologize is the end of my apologies. I believe that my life is a testament to my apology to the folks that I've harmed and I am sorry and I will continue to live my life with great respect for those who were hurt by me. And my life will be a testament moving forward to have the biggest impact in a joyful and positive way To the community and all those around me So that way nobody else will have to be harmed by me and that hopefully I can teach others so they don't harm Anyone else as well And I just want you all to know From my heart you made the biggest impact on me And I have changed my life because of The things that I did and the accountability and the remorse that I now have.
MIKVAH AUDIO: That's for your knees. Oh, you go backwards? Yeah, that's way smarter. Make sure you plug your nose. Woo! How's that feel? Oh, it's a hot tub. It's a hot tub. Yeah. Okay. I know, right? So, before you. It's not supposed to be so hot! Sorry. Okay. I'm sorry, we shouldn't be giggling. I'm sitting in the warm waters. You're in warm waters for like the first time, right? Yeah. But that's like the childlike thing too, right? Yes, it absolutely is. Yes. I have not been inside of waters like this in like 15 years. How's it feel? It's nice.
JOSH: I will always share this moment with my brother Ari, and we went through something that was very intimate together. In front of our community, but the whole process unfolding between each other, you know, of the ideas that we've balanced off of each other from the very beginning of being able to meet you.
[MUSIC]
MIRIAM: Thanks for listening. Tales of the Unbound is a production of the Institute for the Next Jewish Future and part of the family of podcasts of Judaism Unbound. Tales of the Unbound was created and written by me, Miriam Terlinchamp, produced and edited by Joey Taylor, original music by Ric Hordinski, and art by Katie Kaestner-Frenchman.
Thank you to Amy and Marvin and all those who serve the Jewish people. A big shout out to Ari, Josh, all the Jewish folks in Monroe Correctional, and all the people everywhere trying their best to do good time.
Special thanks to DOC at Monroe Correctional who allowed access to Ari and Josh. Check the show notes to find out ways you can get involved to support those who are incarcerated and for amazing behind-the-scenes content. We'd love to hear from you, so you can email us at miriam@judaismunbound.com or find us at: www.judaismunbound.com/tales.
Stay tuned for our next episode, in which we will follow Ari’s journey of Jewish identity. But for now, I leave you with a final word from Josh, a poem he wrote about his transformation:
JOSH: buried deep inside a dark hole, intently staring inside my soul. Losing hope without a care, seeing darkness in my stare. Turning now to and fro, wavering as I go. Lonely walking without intent, life of crime is not what I meant. I chose the choice. I did what I did. I lost my voice. I lost my head. Strike one, two, and then three. They threw away the key. With no hope alone in my cell, love gave me hope from life so stale. Leaning in to face the loss of life, earning mom's love conquered my strife. Forgiving my dad was a must. Love conquered death and increased trust. Changing within, my heart led me to this. Empathy, atoning, and living in bliss. Freed from the bonds that held so long, now love flows free and is so strong. I'm always manifesting happy thoughts. Freedom will come, and my bonds will be lost.
MIRIAM: Thanks for listening. This has been Tales of the Unbound.
